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Brains get in the way of words when men and women talk By
MaeLynn K. Harris Recently I encountered a humorous dialogue which perfectly illustrates the poorly understood nuances and intricacies of communication between men and women. During the ride home from an enjoyable evening out with her boyfriend, Elaine excitedly exclaims that they have been together for exactly six months. Roger doesn't react to this, simply taking it as fact, and thinks to himself "Six months, that means it was February...right after I had the car serviced...I'd better check the odometer...whoa! I'm way over due for an oil change." Sensing an awkward silence (which really isn't awkward, Roger just hasn't said anything), Elaine begins to analyze their relationship. "Where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?" Roger thinks about everything that is wrong with his car while Elaine's personal ramblings within her head eventually lead her to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor on a white horse" and that she is perfectly content with the relationship, that she just needs time. When Elaine blurts out that she doesn't need a knight or a horse. Roger is completely lost and has no idea where the thought came from. Not wanting to hurt her feelings though, he goes along with the idea. Later that week Elaine chats with close friends for six consecutive hours repeating every detail and analyzing the meaning of this monumental "conversation." Meanwhile, she asks a mutual friend if she has ever owned a horse. I am afraid this conversation parallels all too well more than one of the seemingly painful breakup conversations that can be found in my past. As a newlywed, I have found that the enchanted world of marriage isn't always as it is portrayed in the movies. In an effort to better understand the communication gaps between men and women, I talked to Matt and Carolynn Larson. I consider them a viable source because they have been married longer, and yet still remember the newlywed days. Matt said that one of their biggest arguments stemmed from his lack of attention to detail. "When I tell a story, I give the important facts. When she tells a story, she goes on and on with details and what it all means." One day he told Carolynn something and left out the information she said was "really important." It made her upset because Matt "didn't seem to want to seem to share." Deborah Tannen, a renowned sociolinquist and conversational therapist, says women talk "as a way of creating intimacy" Women are seeking that certain kind of conversation that they feel is the essence of closeness of intimacy; the kind where I tell you everything that is on my mind...Men don't have those kinds of conversations, so they don't know what women are trying to get at." Tannen goes on to explain that "men regard talk as a means to negotiate status" -- they use information to establish a one-up, one-down position by exhibiting knowledge and skill. This sheds a helpful light on a topic Carolynn brought up. She says it is frustrating to her when Matt simply reports his plans to her instead of first checking them with her. He retorts with, "I can't tell my friends that I need to ask my wife for permission...I'll sound like a sissy." Obviously checking plans with a spouse means two very different things for husband and wife. For her it means, "We are connected." For him it means, "one up, one down." A final topic that was discussed in our interview was housework. Everyone groans when it comes to deciding who has to do what. It took Carolynn several months to figure out why asking Matt to take out the garbage was such a big deal. Basically, It all boiled down to power. It wasn't because Matt was lazy or because he didn't want to help, it was because he didn't want to become "subordinate" in the household. He would be "one down" if told what to do. On the other hand, Carolynn was thinking of it as one simple request that would only take a minute. No one was one up or one down because she visualized them on equal footing. Thus, men worry about being pushed around while women worry about being pushed away. In a research paper I found on the web, the findings of many social and anthropologic studies of the 1970s and 1980s were discussed. Studies were "often interpreted as the result of early childhood socialization process." "Boys tend to play in large groups organized hierarchically; thus they learn direct, confrontational speech. Girls play in small groups of 'best friends', where they learn to maximize intimacy and minimize conflict...when girls were involved in team games, they were likely to ignore the rules, whereas boys were very careful to adhere to them." The reciprocity of female playgroups can be seen in the ritual apologies women often exchange. For example, one of my best friends often says, "I'm sorry" when I tell her about my busy day or stress about a particular assignment. To some this may seem silly because she doesn't have anything to apologize for. She isn't the cause of my problems. Tannen explains, "For women it is an automatic way of keeping both speakers on equal footing." Susan wants to sound sympathetic to and understanding of my concerns. On the other hand, to many men, apologizing seems synonymous with putting oneself down. Women often get their feelings hurt when the other speaker in a conversation does not return the apology because they "often assume it will be the first step in a two-step ritual: I say I'm sorry and take half the blame, then you take the other half...When both parties share the blame, it is a mutual face-saving device." If the other person does not apologize, she will often feel like he thinks it was all her fault. Once I thought this was the case when really my husband was just trying to figure out what happened--he hadn't arrived at the apology stage yet. Perhaps a helpful piece of information to remember is that the sexes simply communicate differently. There really is no right or wrong way to communicate, it is just important to remember that many misunderstandings stem from a lack of understanding of communication styles. A website called The Ladies Room offered a concise summary of these differences: "The styles that men and women use to communicate have been described as 'debate vs. relate,' 'report vs. rapport' or 'competitive vs. cooperative'. Men often seek straightforward solutions to problems and useful advice whereas women tend to try and establish intimacy by discussing problems and showing concern and empathy in order to reinforce relationships."
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